“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
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10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
selena gomez
As a doctor, I can confirm
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING