*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
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One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
my mom making me talk to relatives
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.