17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
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*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
Left at a local drug store…
*jingles half the way*
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*