First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
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If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
emergency phone
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”