Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
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1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”