Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
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#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular