He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
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Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
Broom by every window for quick escape.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day