Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
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Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
Is anyone gonna tell them?
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
SCARY COSTUME
We need to put an American base on the sun
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.