I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
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[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
going to the ER y’all need anything
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.