[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
Webb. James Webb.
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?