You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
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WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
#inspiration #foodforthought
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was