dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
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Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
She puts the hot in psychotic
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.