Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
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Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
The Friday File.
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
No, you typed your password instead of the amount in the payment window.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.