My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
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What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
My dog ate my work from home.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.