Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
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[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
no one ever comes back
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.