I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
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I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
m’lady
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
HOW DARE YOU
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.