Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
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*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
From my Mom
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.