He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
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doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
Merica.
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest