TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
You Might Also Like
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Duolingo getting serious.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
This could be us… but you playing
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
Mhm.
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
Another interesting #factupdates post!
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules