If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
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the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho