Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
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That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
How to draw a duck
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
Important reminders
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.