I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
You Might Also Like
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
the icebreaker
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know