My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
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I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset