She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
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“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”