[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
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If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
*launders Kohls cash*
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.