My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
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DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
Boating season is upon us.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.