I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
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Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
i wish we could shoplift online
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?