Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
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[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.