Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
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”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.