Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
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Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume