Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
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What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide