What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
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This hospital has everything
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
“what’s it like having a sister?”
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.