how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
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Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
What even happened today?
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
socratic questions
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us