I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
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My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…