My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
You Might Also Like
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.