Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
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Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.