Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
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#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
Selfie
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work