Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
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6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Not messing around
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
How actors in movies eat their food
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset