Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
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I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.