At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
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wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
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the three branches of government
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.