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Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
Brilliant!
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.