18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
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Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings