My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
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Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know