“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
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Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
Follow me for more fitness tips.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks