vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
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My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.