You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
You Might Also Like
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story