MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
You Might Also Like
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
#winning
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.