How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
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I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.