Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
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The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
No point crayon over spilled milk.
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
new year update: losing everything but weight
Care for your back
San Francisco has too many rules
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself