priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
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[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.